Monday, February 19, 2007

Warning: contains sarcasm (and possibly peanuts)

Sometimes I feel like an old ratty doormat. I seriously have to check in the mirror to make sure I don't have WELCOME stamped on my forehead. And it's all because I'm dependable. And I'm dependable because I have perfectionist tendencies (although you would never know it judging from the current state of my house). I would love to just throw my hands up in the air and say "Screw it! I don't care!" and walk away. The problem is, I do care. And that's why I'm the doormat. Have a project that needs to be done, but you don't want to deal with it? Toss it my way. I'll seethe quietly, resenting doing your job for you, but you know I'll do it anyway because it is something that needs to be done. Feel like playing hookey from work just for the hell of it? Go ahead! Don't worry about your responsibilities - the doormat is always there to take care of everything. Can't afford to play hookey? No problem! Come on in and just sit around staring at the clock! I'll take up the slack!

I think maybe I let my housework go as a rebellion of sorts from being "the dependable one." I don't feel like I can just let things go undone at work. But at home, by George, I can. And I do. And as much as I would like to believe that being able to say no to something feels good, in reality I'm just surrounded by clutter that creates a claustrophobic depression. The issue is that I'm not saying no to the things I should, the things I really want to say no to.

No comments: