Monday, September 18, 2006

To a Lost Friend

My heart is heavy. I find myself dwelling on thoughts of you.

The sermon Sunday morning was about anger...the text was Matthew 5:21-26. As I searched my soul, I wondered am I still harboring anger in my heart?

After much introspection, I must admit that, yes, there is still anger in my soul. But is it still aimed in your direction? I am glad to report that I can honestly say no to that question. The anger that remains is directed inwardly. You see, deep down inside I knew that something wasn't right, and I chose to ingnore my gut feelings. The anger wells up when I realize that, had I acknowleged my insticts and acted upon them, things would not have progressed as far as they did. So, while the events that followed were not completely my fault, I must own up to some degree of responsibility. And for that, I am still angry with myself.

But when I focus on you, what do I feel? No hate. No anger. Just an overwhelming sense of sorrow. I grieve as though someone has died.

But you are very much alive.

The preacher said we cannot be right with God and be wrong with our brother. He stressed reconciliation. Reconcile. Does that always involve restoring a relationship? Can reconciliation ever just mean being able to be civil - friendly, even - without necessarily being friends?

I don't believe we are wrong to keep ourselves from being a part of each other's lives. We have come to the mutual conclusion that a friendship between us would do too much damage to other relationships held dear. We have "reconciled" ourselves to that sad fact.

So we keep tabs from a distance. Well, I do at least. And I am truly overjoyed when see how life is unfolding for you - all the happiness you have found and the new life you are planning. I pray for your happiness and your success.

You will soon be living in a much closer location - and quite close to my family as well. There was a time that would have bothered me considerably. No longer. All that bothers me is that we cannot be the carefree friends there was once the chance of us becoming.

My heart remains heavy as I think of you. But now I shift my focus, and the clouds part. A shaft of light bursts through the darkness as I remember - we are Sisters. And one day this life will pass. And then...then all will be as it should.

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